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So here is an exerpt from the extro of my anthology Laid, Young People’s Experiences on Sex in an Easy Access Culture (to be published by Seal Press in September 2009). So in the conclusion I wrote the top ten things I’ve learned about sex. After you finish reading mine it would be great if you could share your insights. So:
What lessons have you learned about sex that you would pass on to others?
Wrapping It Up:
I remember the days when I lay on my back exhaling much louder than necessary, rubbing my clammy hands over someone’s back that was—for the moment—mine to touch. Every so often I would softly bite down on my partner’s shoulder as if I had to wrap my mouth around something just to stop myself from screaming bloody murder. I would whisper fragmented sentences in short, hot syllables then bring my mouth to his ear for the closer as I let the words I love you escape in one clean break.
It was a routine, a role—and unfortunately most of us are able to play it all too well. Every girl and most men have probably faked an orgasm or faked enjoyment at some point during his/her sexual history. Stroke your partner’s ego and they’ll reward you with the love/ money/ respect/ acceptance you’ve been looking for. But have you ever thought about it this way: if you’re feeding someone else BS isn’t your partner fully entitled to dish you back the same? The best way to get what you want is to pursue it with purpose and projection, don’t be sneaky and definitely don’t be submissive.
Excuse me for being a little forward, but it’s all backwards to me. At this point in my life, I wouldn’t fake it for my partners benefit. I wouldn’t fake an orgasm, fake being okay with a sub-par relationship, fake like I didn’t know about protection, fake like I’m happy when I’m actually bored or fake as if I’m the servitude type who would do any of the above.
I think fake is the perfect way to describe my sexuality when I was 15 probably up until I was 20. Lying consumed my sexuality, from the way I dressed to the sounds I made to the orgasms I manufactured to the stories I told others. I thought if I made up my sexuality that I would find real love and real happiness in the end. As I learn more and listen to others, I find it harder and harder to understand that seventeen-year-old misguided fruitcake I once was. That’s why I am able to write about her so honestly, without flinching, because I know that person is no longer a representation of who I am today.
Today I can’t stomach phoniness being associated with sexuality. Every time I see something that I know is untrue about sex in the media I feel like that doctor who watches ER with clenched fists shouting at the TV that’s not the way it really is! Honesty is the single most important attribute of a positive sexual lifestyle. That is why it’s been so important that all the contributors in Laid were completely honest with you and with themselves in his/her published pieces. I hate all those stupid over-the-top sex tales that people openly share with their cocksure grins and unsteady eyes. Having worked on this book for the better course of four years and in my growing role as a sexpert to young people, I’ve had an amazing opportunity to think and talk honestly about sex far more than most people get a chance to. I am a product of the vicarious sexual education approach that I created.
I owe every bit of my sexual confidence to what I have learned while working on this book. I think I have learned the most from the positive submissions to Laid. I love the stories about people who have totally honest and wonderfully fulfilling sexual experiences. There is a lot to take in from people who have gotten it right especially since there are such few opportunities to get honest accounts of great sex. And if you’re thinking, really Shannon but pornos are so easy to find, then you need to head back to page one!
There are so many experiences I would like to share with every young person I know, and so many more conversations I wish I had the opportunity to engage in—but each person has their own life to live and their own conclusions to draw! So instead of the ten-page extro, I’ve decided to recap what I’ve learned in a good old top ten list (only 5 are included):
1. Sex is not just put it in, take it out. There are books, classes, and religions dedicated to learning the art form of making love, so why not pass on the fifteen-minute rendezvous and seek out a person who will make it the beautiful experience it can be.
2. Most people love talking about sex—until you start talking about it realistically. If you try and have a real conversation in which you discuss factual information, real emotions, and specific instructions, lots of people get very uncomfortable. So take it slowly, but inform yourself. Don’t let other people’s discomfort stop you from delving in to everything there is to know about sex and your sexuality.
3. Everyone thinks they’re good at sex without even really knowing anything about it. Being an effective sexual partner has more to do with understanding your partner’s unique human anatomy and emotional needs than it will ever have to do with porn techniques or the hot new moves discussed in men’s magazines. Many people choose to forego lessons on the basics but how can you build if you have no foundation? Educate yourself on the clitoris, the shaft and other erogenous zones that are often ignored like the back and even the scalp.
4. STIs are very real and very common, and so are babies. Learn all that you can about practicing safe sex. Believe me the information you learn about the responsibilities that couple sexual behavior will come in handy more than once. You don’t want to risk the consequences on account of your ignorance.
5. Demand the truth about sex from your teachers and make sure they make adequate time to talk about myths vs. reality. When I was in sixth grade we did a full unit on dinosaurs, but we had only two half-hour sessions on sexual education. Since then I’ve never had to escape a raptor, but I have been confronted by plenty of penises.
I wish you a lifetime of healthy and WOW THAT WAS AWESOME sexual relationships,
—Shannon Teresa Boodram
