When I was about 12 years old, my friends and I would play this game that we called the Penis Game. It started off with one person whispering “penis” very quietly. The next person would say it just a little bit louder, and so on and so on until someone yelled “PENIS!” at the top of his or her lungs.

Hilarious, no?

Venus at her Mirror, Diego Velazquez, 1650

The thing is, we were actually too wimpy to say the word “penis” in public, at least loudly, so we would say “Venus”—as in the Roman Goddess of Love and Beauty—instead. It still turned heads, but there was no way we could really get in trouble or embarrass ourselves because we weren’t screaming the medical terminology for male genitalia across the lunchroom.

But why should we have gotten in trouble or embarrassed ourselves, aside from being disruptive and a little obnoxious? We never got in trouble for screaming “VENUS!” at maximum volume, but if we had replaced that with “PENIS!”? Detention for sure. It wasn’t because of the loudness factor, obviously, so it had to have been because we were saying “dirty, vulgar words in polite company.”

Everyone say it with me: PEEEEEEEEEnis.

Let’s try another one: vaGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIna.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, those are the real, medical names for your bits and pieces. These are terms that my kids know and use—well, the baby isn’t talking yet—but my older one knows the actual names of male and female genitalia. I made it a point to teach my kids the proper terminology for men and women. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT DIRTY.

I did, however, teach them other words for use in the company of others, specifically “piggy” and “peachie-peachie.”  The fact that I taught them other words for their private parts might indicate that I think that “penis” and “vagina” are dirty words, but that’s not the case.  Unfortunately, we live in a society that suspends kids from school for sexual harassment if they so much as hug one another on the playground, and I know from experience that certain words are not acceptable in a classroom setting (“butt” and “booty” are the two that come to mind).  I was faced with the dilemma of encouraging my kids to embrace proper terminology for genitalia and keeping them from getting in trouble with their schools.  I chose to teach my kids both sets of words and to give them the skills to decide when and where to use them.

“Penis” is not dirty.  “Vagina” is not dirty.  And I long for the day when my kids and/or grandkids can use them in an elementary school setting without fear of retribution.

So, tell me, what do you call your genitals when referring to them in casual conversation?